Gone, Gone Away.

 

An emotional and dramatic first person account written by Brenda Sterling.

 

 

I felt as if I were opening my eyes for the very first time as I gazed upon the man I thought to have loved. Nothing was out of place per say, but the flowery, soft gaze he had once given me was gone. His smile dwindled like a flame smothered by an icy breeze, wisping away the man who had shown me the warm solace of light in the bleak moments I had been perpetually trapped in. Every word he muttered felt like a knife to my bare skin, slowly chipping away at my soul as I struggled to surface from the depths of my delusions, clawing at my throat for air. Then, a wall. A tall, concrete wall surrounded me as I shut off the people closest to me, trusting no one, not even myself. The wall encapsulated my heart; one already made of iron and stone, vowing to never open to another for as long as it thundered against my chest. I am no longer myself.  

 

Distractions. I needed distractions to keep myself from falling deeper into the pit I had unintentionally created. I hadn’t the faintest idea how I made such a bottomless well, but it was gaping and growing ever greater. I could feel it through the iron, the stone, and the wall. It caressed my heart, urging it to just give up. To jump into the void and to stop trying. To stop worrying. To stop the feeling. Stop the feeling. That’s all my life is at this point; I exist solely to try to stop and watch in horror as the feeling takes away all that I love and hold dear. Nothing will stop it, I fear. Nothing will be able to curb the

emptiness and the panic within the feeling.  

 

I’ve been like this every single day of my life, feeling the hopelessness and fear engulf my sarcophagus, filling my lungs with a dark notion of foreboding dread. It’s not depression, though it feels just as sinister. God is challenging me, and I’ve fought for so long. When will it cease? Is this a divine punishment? Has He forsaken me? I mustn’t think such thoughts, but I can’t help wondering why I seem to be the only person on this Earth plagued by this. I am forever crumbling, without a soul to see or hear me scream.